Balance

I feel like this happens all too often: it's late at night, I'm in bed, pondering life and questioning my sanity. I am starting to think I have no idea what love feels like anymore. I thought I knew it once, but ever since my first serious relationship that began almost 10 years ago now, it seems to have gone down hill from there. I wonder if I will ever feel that deep connection with someone, the kind that goes beyond mere physical attraction and chemistry and moves into long term relationship territory. I know many men who are attracted to me or like me, but the feeling is not mutual, or I feel a superficial connection too quickly and am not discerning enough in my selection of potential partners. I generally am a passionate person but I am trying to find the right fit. I cannot keep thinking almost ever man I go on a date with is great, it is not practical and certainly not true. The men might be nice or fun, but they are not all a good fit. Is it simply in my nature to get along with everyone and this is misconstrued not only on the part of the male, but my own? I have been so confused and conflicted, but all the while trying to stay positive about my future love life. It has not proven to be as easy as I would have hoped. However, I will give myself credit for not completely turning my back on the concept of love and the "happily ever after", even though I am on a hiatus for a while. I just need to give it time. I had a fun date tonight and the conversation was intellectual, witty and easy. We made unorthodox plans to take a trip together. I was not what I would consider drunk, but maybe he was. I feel I have learned to go with the flow much better than I used to, but only to a certain point. I am not sure where the line is or how to achieve balance, but I want to find the perfect blend of love, happiness, respect, common interests and mutual intelligence. I do not want to be carried away by rash feelings, but want the cheesy romance. It is hard not to think I missed the proverbial boat. I am 30 and still seem to be making the same mistakes, although I know I am not the same person. I wonder if it's just me or if others have the same problems. It seems like any time I go on a date or two I am miles ahead of myself and not really sure why. Perhaps because I am scared I won't find the deep connection I wish I had. It is sometimes hard to remember all the good things in my life and to stay positive, but balance is important. Before I can love someone else I must love myself - as cliche as it gets, but it is true, as I wrote in my last post. I am starting to ramble - I guess tonight's beer had more of an effect on me than I thought. But here's to hoping it will all work out.

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