Spring Break for the Mind, Body and Soul


It's interesting how relationships can unearth problems you were previously unaware of about yourself, or at least make you undergo a Freudian self-psychoanalysis. I am beginning to think my anxiety has ruined all of my relationships. I have not been on medication in years and I am loathe to start that kind of "therapy" again but I wonder what I would be like in a relationship if I worried less and went with the flow more. But I keep thinking life is too short to waste time so why not make fun plans and have an organized social life? Live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment while you can. An opportunity presents itself, you take it. I am a bit like a yes-person because I want to do it all, especially in a relationship. It can be hard to "dial it down" or swallow the proverbial chill pill in a brand new relationship. I am an enthusiastic, passionate person, and plans help me spend time with the person I'm romantically involved with and organize my time wisely. And the most important part is you're doing something fun! So I suppose my need for plans crosses over into anxiety when said plans are lacking and when my enthusiasm and passion are not fully returned. A problem I've struggled with time and time again. 

Another thing I am struggling with is that I also am not honest with myself. I let my emotions dictate a relationship and not practicality. I have dated a Republican, meatatarian, gun-toting farm boy, a libertarian yuppie banker, a lives-for-the-Lord Catholic momma's boy, a freshly divorced man, an abusive alcoholic and most recently an intense punk med student (I am not making this stuff up, folks). Why did I think any of those were a good match? Because I went with chemistry, which quickly fizzled when reality set in. I can't be emotionally or physically abused or neglected, I require a lot of love and affection and attention. It's not that I'm selfish, but I'm a nurturing person and I want to be nurtured myself. I also want to be wanted and needed. I'm 30 and want to be in a steady relationship that's going somewhere. But how do I dial down the emotions and ramp up the rational, logical side? Many will laugh here, but I still seem to think a German man would be best because they might "get me." What might seem like type A behavior would be read as amazing efficiency and general ass kicking, multitasking, get 'er done behavior. My plans would be welcomed, not scorned. At least I think so. 

I know objectively I'm fun, interesting, fairly attractive and relatively smart. I try to learn all the time and love the power of conversation. I think once I have things figured out, I'd be a great partner. I just need to recalibrate. Anxiety is a sign that things are bad for me. So why not address the issues? Save myself some heartache and move on? The break ups are sadly easier now, because I know things are wrong. I have my super brief moment of Italian dramatics, but then I'm fine. Well, not totally fine because each failed relationships hurts my ego, even if the person wasn't my soulmate. I know everything will be fine and I have some of the most amazing friends and a very loving and supportive family. I am learning what I can and cannot handle and what I want to do with my life. I love teaching and hopefully there will be a professorship with my name on it out there. Maybe in Europe or the US. Who knows? I'm currently writing this from San Diego and I must say it is so good for the soul to be here. The sun, the ocean, the sand, the friendly atmosphere. It will be hard to leave. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ode to Jon

Image
On the eve of the much anticipated election, my friend and I were discussing politics, Mormons and Jon Stewart. I have not had cable TV, let alone basic TV stations since I moved out of home almost 10 years ago, but whenever I could I would watch the Daily Show, sometimes online, but mainly when I was at my mom's house visiting or with my friends if they had cable. I fell in love with him because of his style, the ease with which he puns and jokes his way through his show, his witty quips and almost bipolar news anchor personality when interviewing guests. Our discussion took place on the way to the movies and upon returning home and falling into sweet slumber, I had a dream about Jon Stewart. I was in what appeared to be a high school auditorium and towards the front, dead center near the stage, sat none other than Jon. Brow furrowed, head bowed, he was scribbling furiously into a note pad, oblivious to the world around him. Since the seats were empty, I decided to make a bold m...
Read more

Partners and Parents

I can't say it enough - it's all about communication.  I would like to share my musings about how it has been said you find partners like your parents.  My parents are both musically inclined; my dad being a little drummer boy and my mother a singer/piano player/accordionist extraordinaire.  They met through mutual friends and were in a band together called "The Lawn Chairs".  Awesome, right?  Indeed.  I was an 80s child born to wild, rockin' parents! Ha, not so much.  My mother is a librarian and has been one for most of her professional life.  My father is a rather studious, bookish type, working in Graphic Arts.  I'm not saying they don't know how to have a good time, but they were definitely nerdy musicians.  Cool in their own right, but not hardcore rock and rollers.  My father is a little more distant in terms of communication, but he always expresses his love and concern for me.  He's more on the stoic side, but he def...
Read more

Hug a Cactus

Today's post features a message I received on OKCupid from a 21-year-old guy who decided to be clever...I think. "I would hug a cactus then swim through shark infested salt water to the arctic to do battle with an angry mother polar bear on a 2x2 foot iceberg for the chance to share a spaghetti dinner with you on a webcam over a dial up connection!!!" This is totally amazing, albeit silly. I think if a man really loves a woman (or a man loves a man, a woman loves a woman, a man loves a goat, etc.), this statement absolutely should ring true. I do not want to settle for anything less. I really am an amazing individual - it's true, everyone says so - and I have so much going for me. As my dear mother would say, the world is my oyster. Why shouldn't I expect a man to traverse the world, fight with all sorts of creatures and put himself in ridiculous peril at my expense? Aren't I worth it? I guess it all depends on the guy. You can't pick who you fall for ...
Read more