Spring Break for the Mind, Body and Soul
It's interesting how relationships can unearth problems you were previously unaware of about yourself, or at least make you undergo a Freudian self-psychoanalysis. I am beginning to think my anxiety has ruined all of my relationships. I have not been on medication in years and I am loathe to start that kind of "therapy" again but I wonder what I would be like in a relationship if I worried less and went with the flow more. But I keep thinking life is too short to waste time so why not make fun plans and have an organized social life? Live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment while you can. An opportunity presents itself, you take it. I am a bit like a yes-person because I want to do it all, especially in a relationship. It can be hard to "dial it down" or swallow the proverbial chill pill in a brand new relationship. I am an enthusiastic, passionate person, and plans help me spend time with the person I'm romantically involved with and organize my time wisely. And the most important part is you're doing something fun! So I suppose my need for plans crosses over into anxiety when said plans are lacking and when my enthusiasm and passion are not fully returned. A problem I've struggled with time and time again.
Another thing I am struggling with is that I also am not honest with myself. I let my emotions dictate a relationship and not practicality. I have dated a Republican, meatatarian, gun-toting farm boy, a libertarian yuppie banker, a lives-for-the-Lord Catholic momma's boy, a freshly divorced man, an abusive alcoholic and most recently an intense punk med student (I am not making this stuff up, folks). Why did I think any of those were a good match? Because I went with chemistry, which quickly fizzled when reality set in. I can't be emotionally or physically abused or neglected, I require a lot of love and affection and attention. It's not that I'm selfish, but I'm a nurturing person and I want to be nurtured myself. I also want to be wanted and needed. I'm 30 and want to be in a steady relationship that's going somewhere. But how do I dial down the emotions and ramp up the rational, logical side? Many will laugh here, but I still seem to think a German man would be best because they might "get me." What might seem like type A behavior would be read as amazing efficiency and general ass kicking, multitasking, get 'er done behavior. My plans would be welcomed, not scorned. At least I think so.
I know objectively I'm fun, interesting, fairly attractive and relatively smart. I try to learn all the time and love the power of conversation. I think once I have things figured out, I'd be a great partner. I just need to recalibrate. Anxiety is a sign that things are bad for me. So why not address the issues? Save myself some heartache and move on? The break ups are sadly easier now, because I know things are wrong. I have my super brief moment of Italian dramatics, but then I'm fine. Well, not totally fine because each failed relationships hurts my ego, even if the person wasn't my soulmate. I know everything will be fine and I have some of the most amazing friends and a very loving and supportive family. I am learning what I can and cannot handle and what I want to do with my life. I love teaching and hopefully there will be a professorship with my name on it out there. Maybe in Europe or the US. Who knows? I'm currently writing this from San Diego and I must say it is so good for the soul to be here. The sun, the ocean, the sand, the friendly atmosphere. It will be hard to leave.