The Circle of (Love)Life

My dearest readers,

As I mentioned in my post on Tuesday, I cleaned up my blog but left three old posts from 2006 entitled "So ist das Leben" (the German equivalent of "C'est la vie"), "Bonn" and "Update time".  I recommend reading them to be able to better understand the 20 year old Tina for comparative purposes.

The overall writing in the three posts is manic-depressive. I express my emotions in the most emphatic terms.  I'm also critical and angry about my love life.  At 20 I was looking for love, worried about intimacy, confused about my feelings, frustrated about being single and generally unsure of the right course of action.  I think back then I was spending too much time worrying about and lamenting over my situation.  I knew what I wanted and took everything that happened counter to my wishes as a personal assault on my happiness.  How it was personal, I have no idea but that's how I felt.  How dare a man not be madly in love with me when I like him?  How dare someone not ask me out when clearly they should?  How dare men expect sex the night we meet?  How dare it rain when I want sunshine?  I was incapable of letting things run their natural course.  People come in and out of our lives so fluidly.  Sometimes the timing is right, sometimes it's wrong.  Some people play a more significant role, others make a cameo.  I'm not entirely sure if I believe things happen for a reason, but if something doesn't work out the way you want it to, there's no need to get bent out of shape.

The third post from 2006 shows my happiness in having a boyfriend.  Clearly it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but to me, as a shy, inexperienced 21 year old, it was huge.  I was relieved and ecstatic that I had found someone.  I wasn't broken or weird or ugly or unlovable.  I was desirable and loved and proud.  However, he was my first boyfriend and I had no idea what I was doing.  I went from one extreme (low self esteem, single, negative and self-critical) to another (in a relationship) and had no point of reference about how to behave in a relationship.  My self esteem, as seen in those posts, was low.  I made some bad decisions between that time and even up until recently, but the difference is now I'm learning you can't force things to happen.  They either do, or they don't.  No matter how much you want to be with someone or even just how badly you want to be in a relationship, it doesn't mean it will happen.  There's no cosmic vendetta, no evil force trying to keep you from getting what you want.  As long as you're honest with yourself and realize who you are, what you want and what you have to offer, there's no reason to be disappointed.  You just simply let things happen and when the timing is right, you'll know.

The title of this post has two meanings - the fact that I find myself in a similar situation, for one.  Again I am single, but I'm happy with it.  My confidence is through the roof compared to the little girl in 2006.  I'm honest with myself and about myself (there is a difference between those two things) and do not need to define myself in terms of my relationship status.  I will admit there are, as always, complications     with my love life, but I have accepted them.  The other meaning refers to my point about the roles certain people play in our lives.  Relationships are rarely flat, static entities.  They are more often like roller coaster rides.  Who is on the ride with you changes over time, but it never stops.

So, dear readers, if you find yourself sounding like the old Tina, try to find some inner peace and comfort in knowing that everything is going to be all right if you let it.

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