Ode to Jon

On the eve of the much anticipated election, my friend and I were discussing politics, Mormons and Jon Stewart. I have not had cable TV, let alone basic TV stations since I moved out of home almost 10 years ago, but whenever I could I would watch the Daily Show, sometimes online, but mainly when I was at my mom's house visiting or with my friends if they had cable. I fell in love with him because of his style, the ease with which he puns and jokes his way through his show, his witty quips and almost bipolar news anchor personality when interviewing guests.

Our discussion took place on the way to the movies and upon returning home and falling into sweet slumber, I had a dream about Jon Stewart. I was in what appeared to be a high school auditorium and towards the front, dead center near the stage, sat none other than Jon. Brow furrowed, head bowed, he was scribbling furiously into a note pad, oblivious to the world around him. Since the seats were empty, I decided to make a bold move and sit in the same row as that intelligent, sophisticated, Jewish dream boat. I contemplated how many seats I should put in between us and I decided three would be a reasonable number. He was right in the middle and I was sitting off to the left. I gave him his space but acted like I really wanted to see what was about to take place on the stage. I couldn't believe my luck. What was HE doing here? Of all places? And what could he possibly be writing? I was so intrigued.

So much so, that I began to write something myself: a love letter to Jon.

The letter was so fantastic, that I awoke from the dream and immediately had to write it down. Please enjoy this letter of tribute to Mr. Jon Stewart:

Dear Jon Stewart, 

I love you. I want to marry you, even though you're already married and have been for quite some time. Congratulations. 12 years and going strong. However, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, if your wife should fall and you were to become a widower, I should hope I would be allowed to swoop in and make some magic happen. That may seem silly, but it is the only way I can see my chances in the "marry Jon Stewart department" ever to come to fruition. I'm sure I'm not the only woman to cook up a scheme to make you their own, but at least mine is realistic.  

I'm thinking we're long overdue for some sort of catastrophic event and a zombie apocalypse is as good as any. Perhaps I've been watching too much Walking Dead, but the show is fantastic and I know I would step up to the challenge of fending off zombies and keeping people safe. I would travel many miles and face many hardships, but if I had you by my side, it would be worth it. A little sappy, I realize, but we would need to laugh in the throes of such tragedy. I would keep you safe from those zombie bastards! 

All I ask in return is that you look at me with those piercing eyes and say something funny. Make hilarious observations on the stupidity of the world around us. Keep me smiling. I would take out every walker from here to Timbuktu. 

And if the whole zombie thing doesn't pan out, I'll try some other more eligible anchor...like Tom Brokaw or Anderson Cooper.

I wish you all the best and send my love, and may we find each other when the apocalypse hits. 

Yours sincerely, 

Christina Rose Schultz