So ist das Leben...

Well folks, my heart is officially kinda broken. I don't know why I like such idiots, honestly. Or why I think I have a chance with such idiots. I guess the reason my heart is kinda broken is because I always seem to disappoint myself. I always think I'm smarter than that. That I should know that many guys are shallow and only like pretty girls and like to have sex with them. That they don't like girls who they can actually connect with. But why does that surprise me? The Germans are so different about their attitude towards these matters. But I would feel cheap if I just went around sleeping with people. Even the ones I really like. I don't care what the guy thinks. I know that I'm not comfortable with having sex. Partly because I'm shy and scared, but partly because I haven't found the right guy. And especially after tonight, I know I haven't found the right one.

But it's so confusing because he kept telling me how cool I was and how I'm so open and you're such a good friend and of all the Americans he's met I'm the best and all that sort of shit. He was always very touchy-feely with me, too. And why? He was never like that before? Does he think I like him? Does he know I like him? If you're my friend and you're a guy, holding hands and hugging and dancing is a bit weird. At least to me. I have guy friends, but they're not like that. Maybe I'm reading into it too much. But all I know is that he's really driving me crazy because all he talks about is this other girl with me now. LIKE I CARE! I'm glad he likes her and he's so in love, whatever. But to constantly talk about it with me like I'm his best friend or something! WTF???? Go talk to your guy friends about it. He clearly must be in love with her if he can't shut up about her. So I say, good luck with her. And if she rejects you or when she leaves to go back to America, you better not come crying to me. The thing that's sad is that I think the girl actually likes him back, even though she knows how I feel about him. Aber egal. Meine Gefuehle sind nicht wichtig hier. Wenn er wirklich sie mag, und sie ihn wirklich mag, dann ich hoffe dass die beide sind froh zusammen. Und ich werde allein sein, wie immer. I just shouldn't be so stupid. I shouldn't hang out with him as much because it's just going to make me upset. He'll talk about her and I'll feel so fake because I have to pretend that I'm happy for him when really I hate it. VERDAMMT! This is really the lamest journal entry I've ever written. But I'm young. I have many years to meet someone. The thing is when? How I hate rhetorical questions, but I'd really like to meet someone who wasn't a complete idiot right about now. Oh well. Thank God there's no class on Donnerstag so I can go out tomorrow and have a good time. With or without the guy who I'm currently wishing I'd never fell for.

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